Dear Friends

It has been an untenable time for our family and I wanted to let everyone know how much we have appreciated your support, calls, cards, meals and walks.  I know that it is difficult to talk with us at times as there is nothing to say that soothes us or that can make it better.  There is so much around us daily in what we see, hear and do that reminds us of Zoë that there is rarely a moment that she is not in our thoughts.

I want to share with you the only thing that I can really appreciate at this time as almost a year has passed – and that is the wonderful gift that I had with Zoë. We worked hard and in creative ways to have a loving, healthy and open relationship.  Pretty much with her you had no choice on the open part, but it took work from both of us for the healthy and loving part. Zoë was often the first to say “that would sound nicer if you asked”.   Zoë was a gift (as all our children are) but the beautiful wrapping that came with her was our relationship.  The last thing we said to each other was “I love you”.

I have created a scholarship in Zoë’s honor.  The Zoë Kislowitz Shwayder Camp Scholarship Fund will provide a scholarship to summer camp for a child who could not otherwise attend.  Zoë was very active socially; beyond her friends she was passionate about community service and travel.  She started in 1^st grade going to a nursing home and doing crafts and dancing with the residents there and went as far as Israel to volunteer at a daycare center for handicapped adults. Shwayder Camp is one of those places that gives children the opportunity to grow personally and become socially aware, and it played a significant part of Zoë’s life.

When I am asked “is there anything that I can do?” Yes – please make a donation to Zoë’s Camp Scholarship Fund so that other children have the opportunity to grow in this special place.  (Temple Emanuel 51 Grape Street, Denver, CO  80220).  Our goal is to raise $32,000 which will provide an endowed fund and we are about 30% there.

I know that many of you want to talk with us at a deeper level and there may be a time when we are open to it. Thank you truly for all the support that you have given and that we continue to need.  Many have asked about her headstone which we will unveil this summer when Zoë’s friends will be home from college.

Make sure that the people in your life that you love and care about know it – every day.

Allyn and Bill

Yehrzeit is March 1; it is traditional to light a candle that burns for 24 hours at sunset the day before.

Scholarship Address:

Temple Emanuel, Zoë Kislowitz Camp Scholarship, Temple Emanuel 51 Grape Street, Denver, CO  80220

But is there a price we pay when we focus solely on presenting the picture perfect family?  I know well the impact on a family when struggles are silenced in the hopes that this will lead to more acceptance by others.  Growing up in the 1950s, I was raised from birth by a paraplegic mother who lost the use of her legs after being struck by polio at the age of two. My family believed that if we could downplay the significance of my mother’s paralysis – by helping her accommodate to the world of the nondisabled by never discussing her disability and always presenting a cheerful, upbeat attitude, we could “pretend” as if her paralysis didn’t exist.  Yet such silence robbed our family of an opportunity to show compassion toward each other and led to feelings of isolation that weakened the bonds of intimacy across several generations of my family.

Let me give you an example. Several decades ago, my mother and I, in preparation for my upcoming wedding, headed down to the local florist in town.   Although I can count on one hand the number of times I ever broached the subject of my mother’s disability with her, in what I think of as a rare moment of courage, I expressed my wish that she could dance at my wedding. My mother quickly rebuffed my desire with a curt “it doesn’t bother me,” which effectively buried the topic. I felt a familiar anger toward her that my wishes – even in fantasy – had no voice.  Had we been able to acknowledge our loss – that it would have meant so much to have her be a part of the ritual of the first dance – it would have brought us even closer at such an important time in our lives.  Instead, we never discussed it and, at the wedding, everyone else in my immediate family participated while the mother of the bride sat at her table alone.  If only we could have both expressed our feelings of differentness, together we could have arrived at a way to honor her, through a special toast or by bringing her up to the dance floor. Yet despite my mother’s words to the contrary, I could sense her pain that she was excluded, and I felt guilt.  Soon these feelings morphed into anger that even on this momentous occasion we couldn’t find a way to connect.

So what lessons have I learned from these moments in my past?   Here are just a few:

1. Sharing your vulnerabilities with others enhances compassion.  For example, if my mother and I could have shared her embarrassment about being stared at by strangers when we went out, we both could have empathized with each other about our feelings of being different. And if she could have told me that she yearned to be able to walk down the street with me eye to eye – instead of my pushing her in a wheelchair – I could have expressed my feelings of loss that I had a mother who couldn’t do the things that other mothers could, increasing tenderness for both myself and for my mother.
2. Intimacy derives from our ability to share both our strengths and our weaknesses. My mother could never express her emotional and physical needs to others – such as what it was like when others left her to do the things she couldn’t do.  Without a voice of her own, it was those closest to her who decided how to deal with her disability, often leaving her feeling misunderstood and angry.  Only by sharing both our strengths and vulnerabilities with those we love can we attract generous people who care for who we truly are.
3. It is important in the face of adversity to seek out others like yourself.  There is no better way to learn about yourself than to befriend others with similar struggles, helping you to realize that your feelings are “normal.”  This realization alone helps you deflate your feelings of differentness and deficiency, making it easier to share your feelings with others.

Most importantly, it is never too late to start such discussions with family members.  The next time your adult child visits, try talking to her about certain “taboo” topics in your family.    Who knows, it might open up lines of communication and intimacy that have long been buried.

Anne K. Gross, Ph.D. is a clinical psychologist and author of the award-winning book The Polio Journals: Lessons from My Mother.  For more information about her, and to read the prologue of her book, please visit www.thepoliojournals.com.

Each afternoon I recite a Sufi prayer that includes the statement “We greet Thee with all humility.” Frankly, I consistently balk at the word “all” in that sentence. My wife, Ruth, and I recently incurred a setback that starkly informed me that indeed, I have plenty of room for additional humility.

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Thank you.  Your kind words, deeds and service has helped us our jouney toward healing and peace.  We are forever grateful. Thank you.

Beth and Oliver

Erin Levin: One Woman’s Journey Around the World

The Key to Better Investment Returns

Wow.  What an amazing evening!

It was thrilling to walk into a room full of smiling, laughing, chatting people.  What a beautiful way to consecrate Feldman’s new chapel.  I am so grateful to Rebecca for giving everyone a wonderful reason to be there.

I trust you found Rebecca’s talk interesting and thought-provoking.  Did you connect with anyone during the guided meditation?  Rebecca said intuition is a muscle; it has to be exercised to get stronger.  I hope you will find the practice fulfilling.  It certainly helps me to live a more purposeful life.

Thursday night, I mentioned that Rebecca and I have similar goals in our work.  Though our methods are very different, both of us try to normalize conversations many think of as scary.  Rebecca’s approach is helping people to connect with deceased loved ones and mine is prearranged funeral planning.

By planning ahead, you can relieve your loved ones of the emotional and financial burden of making arrangements on your behalf.  I’d like to show you how to make plans from a point of strength instead of in an emergency.

Let’s talk!